Winter 2003
New Series · Volume XXV Number 1

ANN MARIE HEALY

YOU'RE NO ONE NOTHING'S SPECIAL

Characters: RHONDA—mid-thirties; CHET—mid-thirties. Location: a city in the desert. Time: now.

1. AN INTERESTING AIRPORT

[RHONDA carries a small hard suitcase. She wears "travel clothes" —something nice, maybe a hat. CHET is wearing a plaid shirt and jeans with a big belt buckle.]

RHONDA: I’m so happy you called.

CHET: You called me.

RHONDA: But then you called me right back.

CHET: Did that bother you?

RHONDA: No no. Not at all. I love it when people call me back.

CHET: So do I.

RHONDA: That’s so funny. So do I.

CHET: I know you do.

RHONDA: You do?

CHET: You just told me.

RHONDA: Oh. Sorry. [Pause] So. How do I look?

CHET: You look. The same.

RHONDA: So do you. Just the same.

CHET: As how you look?

RHONDA: As how you look. Or looked. I almost forgot. To be honest.

CHET: What’s that?

RHONDA: I almost forgot what you looked like.

CHET: The seminar ended last week.

RHONDA: But I only ever saw you in the dark.

CHET: You didn’t want to see me in the light?

RHONDA: I did. I do. I really wanted to see you in the light of this area. I love the light in this area. I’ve heard so much about the light. I wanted to see the light in this area in the day.

CHET I’m so glad you wanted to see this area. This is a very interesting area. There are some very interesting things around here.

RHONDA: I saw some little canyons from the plane. I didn’t know there were so many little canyons.

CHET: There are. There are. They’re very low. Do you like canyons?

RHONDA: I guess I’ve never really thought about canyons.

CHET: Oh. Of course.

RHONDA: But I like the idea of starting to think about them. Do you like to think about canyons?

CHET: Only sometimes. Not all the time.

RHONDA: . . . I can think about a canyon if you want me to.

CHET: You don’t want to think about a canyon right now. You just got here. You must be tired.

RHONDA: Why don’t I think about a canyon right now?

CHET: Don’t be silly. You should rest first. And we have so many interesting things to see.

RHONDA: I love seeing things.

CHET: We could see some interesting sights or . . . we could see the interesting road that leads right up to the hotel . . . It’s an interesting hotel. It’s historic.

RHONDA: That does sound interesting.

CHET: Which one? The history or the hotel?

RHONDA: The hotel.

CHET: Are you tired . . . ?

RHONDA: I’m very flexible. If you want to see something else besides the hotel. I can look at almost anything. I just don’t want you to think that I’m not flexible.

CHET: You seem very flexible. Not that I’m checking out your flexibility. That’s not something I try to see.

RHONDA: I like flexible and I like not flexible too. I like them both. I’m easy that way.

CHET: So am I. I mean. Easy.

RHONDA: But you don’t mean. Easy.

CHET: What? No.

[BOTH laugh nervously. They stop.]

RHONDA: I do.

CHET: Hot damn.

[BOTH attack each other and roll around on the floor taking off each other’s clothes. This ends. Their clothes are disheveled. QUICK BLACKOUT.]

2. THAT HOTEL HAS SOME HISTORY

RHONDA: This room is really nice. It’s really very pretty.

CHET: No, it’s not.

RHONDA: It’s not bad.

CHET It’s awful.

RHONDA: You’re right. It is awful. In a sort of pretty way. [Pause]

What should we do today?

CHET: I don’t know. What would you like to do today?

RHONDA: We could climb that canyon.

CHET: You don’t really want to climb that canyon.

RHONDA: Yes I do. I love climbing canyons.

CHET: How many canyons have you ever climbed in your life-time?

RHONDA: Well, I can’t remember.

CHET: I’ve climbed forty-nine. How many have you climbed?

RHONDA: . . . I’ve climbed about that much too.

CHET: About forty-nine or about a little less than forty-nine?

RHONDA: About something like forty-nine. If I sat down and counted all of them.

CHET: You really want to climb a canyon?

RHONDA: I’ll do whatever you want to do.

CHET: I don’t know if I want to climb that canyon.

RHONDA: Actually. Neither do I. I only brought flip-flops.

CHET: Actually. Me too.

RHONDA: If we only have flip-flops, isn’t it going to be hard to climb that canyon?

CHET: Yeah.

RHONDA: I mean. I love the idea. It was a super idea.

CHET: I love the idea too.

[Pause]

RHONDA: Maybe we can order up some beer. I haven’t done that in . . .

CHET: Neither have I. Not in . . . Do you want beer?

RHONDA: I like beer. Do you like beer? 

CHET: I do. I like beer a lot.

RHONDA: I wish I knew more about beer.

CHET: Me too. [Pause] Actually, I do know something about beer. I know a little something about German beer.

RHONDA: Oh good.

CHET: Do you want me to tell you?

RHONDA: Let’s get the beer first and then you can tell me.

CHET: All right.

[RHONDA picks up a phone.]

RHONDA: Hello. My name is Rhonda and we want beer. [Pause. To CHET] What kind?

CHET: I like all kinds.

RHONDA: So any kind?

CHET: Don’t get just any kind.

RHONDA: You decide—you know more about beer than I do.

CHET: Get—get something . . . Well . . . get German beer. I know about German beer.

RHONDA: Oh! That’s such a super idea. [Into the phone] We would like some German beer. [She hangs up the phone.] They’re bringing German beer.

CHET: Super!

[Pause]

RHONDA: What were you saying?

CHET: Hmmm?

RHONDA: You were saying something about German beer?

CHET: Oh. That. Well. I know something about a beer called Bohemia.

RHONDA: That’s so great.

CHET: I haven’t told you what I know.

RHONDA: Oh . . . But it’s a great thing to know.

CHET: It’s an all-right thing to know.

RHONDA: I’m sure it’s a great thing.

CHET: Here I am. Talking away. Tell me something that you know.

[A DOORBELL rings.]

RHONDA: The beer is here!

[There is a six-pack of beer waiting somewhere on stage. BOTH begin drinking the beer.]

CHET: First you tell a story, then I tell a story.

RHONDA: All right. What kind of a story should I tell?

CHET: Tell me a story about . . . I don’t know. You think of some-thing.

RHONDA: Well . . . I could tell a story about the time my dog got lost.

CHET: All right.

RHONDA: You don’t want to hear that story, do you?

CHET: Yes, I do.

RHONDA: No, you don’t.

CHET: I do. I love dog stories.

RHONDA: It’s a boring story.

CHET: How did it happen?

RHONDA: I don’t really know. I wasn’t with the dog. I guess I don’t remember.

[Pause]

CHET: . . . Is that it?

RHONDA: What do you mean?

CHET: Is that the end of the story?

RHONDA: I’m sorry. I told you it was boring.

[Pause]

CHET: I should tell you the story about the band I formed in college.

RHONDA: All right.

CHET: I formed this band in college.

RHONDA: That’s what you said.

CHET: I think that we were pretty good.

RHONDA: I love bands. I love music.

CHET: What is your favorite kind of music?

RHONDA: . . . Hmmm. I love the kind of music where the person writes the songs.

CHET: You mean singer-songwriter.

RHONDA: Exactly. Singer-songwriter. That’s my favorite kind of music.

CHET: That’s not really music. That’s lyrics.

RHONDA: Did you write lyrics in your band?

CHET: I did sometimes. A lot of the time. And then. Sometimes. Tom did.

RHONDA: Who is Tom?

CHET: Tom was just another guy in the band.

RHONDA: But Tom was the one who wrote the lyrics.

CHET: Sometimes. But sometimes I did too.

RHONDA: Who wrote the lyrics more often?

CHET: . . . Tom. Sometimes did. More often. And then me. I did.

RHONDA: But Tom sometimes more often.

CHET: . . . Sometimes. More often.

[Pause. It is strangely awkward. RHONDA puts her hand on CHET’s shoulder. They roll on the floor again. This time it is considerably shorter. Remarkably short. BLACKOUT and LIGHTS UP. They are in different positions on stage.]

3. CONFESSIONS

CHET: There’s something I need to tell you.

RHONDA: I’m married.

CHET: What?

RHONDA: I’m married.

CHET: . . . Me too. [He starts to cry. Everything in a following monologue comes out in a blur of sobbing, except the last few phrases.] Oh, God. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I don’t know why I am doing this. I am doing this thing. I am doing this terrible thing I don’t want to be doing and I don’t know why I am doing it and here I am and I am doing this thing and I was taken away from everything I ever thought I would want and all the things I thought I was about and now I am about nothing. I am nothing and I don’t have anywhere to go and no one to turn to and there is nothing in my life to hold onto right now . . . I think . . . I think . . . I think that I’ve lost my faith in God. I don’t believe in anything anymore.

RHONDA: Shut up.

CHET: What?

RHONDA: I said, shut up.

CHET: . . . Good idea.

[BLACKOUT]

4. I’M SO GLAD WE CLIMBED THE CANYON

[They are wearing flip-flops and straw hats. They are walking in the canyon. It is hot. Very hot. Their flip-flops are very thin.]

RHONDA: This is a really great canyon.

CHET: A long time ago, people came across these canyons and settled here and they called it Canyon Plaza.

RHONDA: Really?

CHET: Yep.

[Pause]

RHONDA: No, they didn’t.

CHET: Yes, they did. They called it Canyon Plaza. You can look it up. I have it memorized.

RHONDA: Why would they call it Canyon Plaza? That doesn’t sound like a name to give a canyon.

CHET: I don’t know why they called it that. Do you know why you’re called the name you’re named?

RHONDA: No, but it’s a name that other people are named. No other canyon is called Canyon Plaza. That’s a name that was invented after people named this canyon.

[Pause]

CHET: I feel like I’m annoying you. With all these facts.

RHONDA: You can annoy me if you want. I don’t care.

CHET: But I feel like if I annoy you then you’ll start to get annoyed.

RHONDA: No. No. I mean, I will. But I like it. I like being annoyed

CHET: Really?

RHONDA: Really.

CHET: All right. [Pause] There’s something else I should tell you.

RHONDA: What’s that?

CHET: I think we’re lost.

RHONDA: . . . I’m not annoyed.

CHET: But you’re angry.

RHONDA: I’m not.

CHET: I don’t hardly know you.

RHONDA: What did you say?

CHET: I said, I don’t hardly know you.

RHONDA: I don’t think. That’s not right.

CHET: But I don’t.

RHONDA: No. I mean. Your grammar.

CHET: You know what I mean.

[Pause]

RHONDA: Well, if you knew me, you would know that this makes me happy. You make me very happy.

CHET: You’re pretty good at that.

RHONDA: What?

CHET: Lying.

RHONDA: It’s not lying. I’m trying to be polite.

CHET: Look. I don’t . . . I hardly know you.[Pause] Do you have a cat?

RHONDA: No.

CHET: Do you have any brothers?

RHONDA: No.

CHET: Do you like to watch TV?

RHONDA: Sometimes.

CHET: So do I. . . . Do you get cable?

RHONDA: We just ordered it.

CHET: So did we.

RHONDA: Do you have kids?

[Pause]

CHET: Two.

RHONDA: Yep. Two for me too.

[Pause]

CHET: It’s getting dark. I think we’re stuck here for the night.

RHONDA: All right.

CHET: I suppose in the big city people don’t often get stuck in canyons.

RHONDA: This isn’t really a canyon though. This is a Canyon Plaza.

CHET: Good point.

[Pause. BOTH sit down.]

CHET: She’s very depressed. My wife. She stopped getting out of bed. She calls me names. She’s very difficult to live with. She throws eggs and paper at me when I walk in the room. She watches television all day. She smells. I can’t touch her. I try to touch her. Will you touch me? Rhonda?

[Quick BLACKOUT. LIGHTS UP. BOTH are in their same positions.]

CHET: I’m going to keep trying, though. It seems like we all just have to keep trying. We have two boys, too. We can keep trying for them. We all just have to wake up every morning and keep trying to do that right thing. And then when they get older they will know that everyone was trying to do the right thing.

RHONDA: I understand.

CHET: . . . Is that the same sort of situation you’re in right now?

RHONDA: Sort of. But. Not really. . . no. Not at all. [Pause] But close enough.

CHET: Sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night I have to tell myself to keep holding on. I’m not trying to torture myself. I’m just trying to do the right thing. Every day, try to do what is right for everyone. Not just me. Everyone.

[Pause]

RHONDA: I just left my husband.

CHET: What?

RHONDA: My husband. I just left my husband. And my three kids. I was lying. I have three kids.

CHET: You told me this was part of a business trip.

RHONDA: I don’t have a business anymore. I just told my husband that I wanted a divorce. You were the first person I called.

CHET: After you left your husband?

RHONDA: Yes.

[Pause]

CHET: Why?

RHONDA: . . . I thought I liked you.

[Pause]

CHET: Did you leave your husband for me?

[Pause]

RHONDA: I guess I did.

[Pause]

CHET: Look. I’m not making any promises. I’ve got . . . I’ve got my own family.

RHONDA: I wasn’t thinking clearly.

CHET: We’ve both got a lot of thinking to do before we can do the right thing.

RHONDA: I don’t know what the right thing is anymore.

CHET: Do you like him?

RHONDA: Who?

CHET: Your husband.

RHONDA: . . . Sort of.

CHET: You must like him better than me.

RHONDA: . . .You’d think.

CHET: Why’d you leave him?

RHONDA: Well. Last week, after we were together at the seminar, I thought maybe I liked you better than him.

CHET: You don’t hardly know me.

RHONDA: . . . I don’t want to talk about this.

[Pause]

CHET: I’ve thought that too. I’ve thought a lot about people like Robin Hood. That I might make more of a difference if I just left my wife and started doing good deeds. I think about that all the time. I think about leaving my family and doing good deeds for the rest of my life. I’m trying to eliminate my ego from what I do in the world.

RHONDA: My husband. And my kids. They don’t know that I have this in me.

CHET: What?

RHONDA: This.

CHET: Oh.

RHONDA: Do you know what I mean?

CHET: You mean. Like . . . goodness?

RHONDA: Sort of. More like . . .

CHET: What? Like passion?

[RHONDA: starts to cry. CHET: is patting her back.]

CHET: It’s all there inside us and we’re just trying to find a way to let it come out. We have to let the passion in us out. It’s hard. It’s a hard thing to do. And then you come down for the weekend and . . . Every day we all have to get up and try to do what’s good in the world. Passion—I do understand because I think I have a good deal of that myself and it must be God’s will to release it or we wouldn’t feel it . . . the passion.

RHONDA: Please. Stop.

CHET: What?

RHONDA: Stop saying the word passion.

CHET: Why?

RHONDA: Because that’s not what I was trying to say.

[They BOTH begin crying quietly, to themselves. They reach for each other. QUICK BLACKOUT.)

5. THIS IS WHAT THE AIRPORT LOOKS LIKE

[RHONDA is carrying her hard suitcase. CHET holds her hand.]

CHET: I’m glad we see eye-to-eye on this one.

RHONDA: We do. We do.

CHET: . . . Did I ever tell you? I have a dog at home.

RHONDA: Really?

CHET: I don’t know why I forgot to mention it. I love that dog.

RHONDA: She must be very special.

CHET: She is. She is. She likes to jump and play in a plastic pool. She runs outside after cars and bikes. She’s so full of life.

RHONDA: I know that about dogs.

CHET: That is so true. What you just said . . . [Pause] Are you going back home?

RHONDA: I’m not sure . . . We’ll see.

CHET: Where do you want to go?

RHONDA: [Begins laughing]

CHET: What’s so funny?

RHONDA: . . . Anywhere. I want to go anywhere.

CHET: You don’t want to go where I’m going. I can tell you that.

RHONDA: . . . Maybe not. Are you going straight home?

CHET: We all have to keep on trying . . . Think about trying.

RHONDA: Trying to be good?

CHET: Sure.

RHONDA: I will. I will think about that.

CHET: Nobody said life is easy.

RHONDA: They certainly didn’t. Actually, somebody must have said it sometime.

CHET: Somebody named nobody.

BOTH: [A little laugh]

RHONDA: No, life sure isn’t easy.

CHET: Let’s find that nobody and hurt him.

BOTH: [Another laugh]

RHONDA: Maybe life was easy for . . .

CHET: Nobody.

BOTH: [A hearty laugh. Pause.]

RHONDA: Well. That’s it.

CHET: There you go . . . Maybe you can love him again.

RHONDA: Maybe . . . If I can, it will be because of you.

CHET: Same goes for me.

RHONDA: Doesn’t matter who I end with—you know I’ll think of you.

CHET: That’s just . . .

RHONDA: What?

CHET: That’s just what I was going to say.

[BOTH kiss. They part ways. The stage remains empty for a moment. BLACKOUT.]

End of Play

ANN MARIE HEALY is a playwright and performer. Her play Bonnie was produced at Ensemble Studio Theatre in January 2002, and her plays Beach and Summer A Go-Go have been developed with Clubbed Thumb. The works are published by Samuel French and Smith & Krans. 

Work that appears on the KR web site is from The Kenyon Review and all applicable copyright restrictions apply.