Today was a strange day. So close to the end of the month of fasting, I woke and did not eat balanced.
I ate rice pudding made from brown rice with a little soy milk, I had a fake-meat hot dog and I drank a cup of water and a cup of decaf coffee. Then I had some yogurt with berries. I knew I should be eating more fruits and vegetables to make sure I was getting my vitamins, but I was tired.
Not sleepy tired but tired of calculating everything, making sure I was eating enough of this or of that.
I went straight back to bed instead of staying up to write which is what I had normally been doing. I slept for four more hours then woke up and did an hour of yoga with one of my housemates.
After yoga I took to bed. Literally: I got my computer and a stack of books and a manuscript and I climbed into bed and for nearly five hours lay in bed and worked, sending emails, reading for a contest I am judging, and looking at my own manuscript.
It wasn’t really because I was fatigued, just tired. Tired of wandering around the day and not being able to have a cup of coffee, tired of not being able to meet people for lunch. Tired of not being able to run in the day time.
Every part of this month has been special and been a blessing, so this feeling at the end of the month must be a blessing as well.
Because I’ve–oddly–not been looking forward to the end of fasting. I will miss the feeling of emptiness that foodlessness offers me. I will miss the weird focus that comes from removing consideration of this huge thing from my mental space.
After a day like today I will see that life, the life without fasting, as a blessing as well.
Does, as the student yesterday said, the fast help you to approach “holiness?”
But holiness is everywhere, in the ordinary days as well. In drinking water and eating food in the day time as well.
The devil is in the details, I’ve heard said. But god is in the details too.
I’m so happy to have had the fasting month. But will be happy when it’s over as well.
I’ll miss it. But it’ll come back around.